


Poker, Beer and Revelations

by therune



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therune/pseuds/therune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Piper wouldn't date the Rogues</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poker, Beer and Revelations

It was Wednesday and the Rogues were stuck in the "middle"-phase.  
This phase was usually after the post-heist phase (which consisted of celebrating, jailbreak or both) and before the planning-phase of the next heist. They had nothing to do except upgrade their gear, get drunk and play poker.  
Today, they were sitting around the pool table (which was used as desk, lab bench, food preparation counter and sometimes bed) and glaring. Most of them glared in order to find out who was bluffing, Len was glaring at Roscoe because he was sitting way too close to Lisa, and Sam was glaring at Digger because he was certain that Digger had just cheated.

Since they didn’t have chips anymore (they had a tendency to fling them at each other after losing a game), they were using parts of their latest loot. Mark pushed an enormous diamond ring into the pile. "I want to see."  
The other Rogues cursed and flung their cards onto the table. Mark grinned and pulled the stash composed of jewels, money and a Monet painting to his side.  
Roy eyed the painting with a strange look that meant either envy or disgust. "I’m out," he announced, "left my stash at home."  
"Me too," Sam said. The Rogues all sipped from their beers (or champagne in Roscoe’s and Roy’s case).  
"That sucks," Len said, "we can’t play without some kind of stake."  
"The night is still young, and I’m not drunk enough yet," Mick said.  
"We could always play strip-poker," Digger suggested and leered at Lisa. Both Len and Roscoe kicked him under the table. After Digger grunted in pain, he added "or better not, I think some would enjoy it more than others." He eyed Piper.  
Everyone gasped in unison. Digger just had to put his foot into his stupid mouth again.

The Rogues expected ranting, punching, kicking, drama, but Piper burst out laughing. He laughed so hard that he fell from his chair and wrapped his arms around his middle. The Rogues were stunned into silence.  
After a minute, Piper rose from the floor and sat down on his chair. He was still grinning. "God, Digger, no. No, no, no. All of you, no. Get it into your thick skulls, not even in a million years, if you were the last men on earth and I was drunk like I was on St Patrick’s day, no."  
"What? We’re not good enough?" Mark said, words slurring.  
"You guys should listen to yourself. First, you’re repulsed by the thought that I might find you attractive, and when you find out that that’s not the case, you’re pissed? Being gay doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with every man I have ever met. Face it, I don’t want any of you in that way."  
"Why not?" Roscoe demanded. He wasn’t homosexual, he was definitely not interested in Piper, but he was vain like a dozen peacocks. Every heterosexual woman and every homosexual man (and then some) should drool over him!  
"Hell yeah, I’m hot!" Mark declared.  
"I am the epitome of masculinity, why don’t you want me?" Roy demanded.  
Piper giggled. He shouldn’t have drunk so much, he should have a clear head for this one, but the occasion was too good to pass up.

"Okay, let’s talk about this. Mark, you’re kind of a slut, so no. Hell no."  
Mark shrugged. "I can live with that."  
"Roy, you’re a snobbish bastard with a superiority complex."  
"It’s not a complex, I am just that good."  
"My point exactly." Piper leant back, nursed his beer and looked at the Rogues, one after another. "Roscoe, Roscoe...even if you weren’t taken, you’re arrogant, slightly insulting and frankly, your obsession with world domination scares me a bit."  
"Only the weak of mind shy away from greatness."  
"Lisa, dearest Lisa, the reasons are obvious."  
"You don’t know what you’re missing, honey."  
Piper thought back to college and experimenting. He did know what he was missing, but he didn’t miss it at all. "Sammy...no. You’re an okay guy, but no. Definitely no." The princess went unmentioned and Sam was glad for it.  
"JJ, while I have to admit that you are extremely hot, no. You have the mind of a 5th grader and the maturity of a 4 year old. No way in hell."  
"Am not," JJ sulked.  
"See? Case closed." Piper was starting to feel woozy. Next time Digger bought/stole the beer, he wouldn’t drink a single drop. "Len, Len, Len. Some guys dig the mysterious lone wolf angle, but not me. Also, your possessiveness... I think you could make an excellent stalker, so, thank you, but no."  
Mick snorted. Of course he knew about Len and his obsession with that one actress. And Iris Allen. And that model. Piper didn’t know how right he was. "Mick, you’re in the same boat." Mick pouted, and received a shit-eating grin from Len.

"And finally, Digger. No. If Hell freezes over, if there’s a zombie apocalypse, if we’re stranded on a deserted island, if I was offered an obscene amount of money, if I was high as a kite and drunk off my ass, if you lost that perm, shaped up, stopped drinking, had several sessions at a political correctness seminar, got that cheating thing in order, if you were the last man on earth, in the whole universe, and if I was going to die a horribly and slow painful death if I rejected you, my answer would still be no. In capital letters. And a blinking neon sign."  
There was a second of silence.  
"Wow, I never thought hearing someone say that they didn’t want to date me would make me feel so good," Mick admitted.  
The tension broke.  
"Are you sure you wouldn’t want me? What if I walked around shirtless?"  
"Mark, please don’t."  
Mark grinned good-naturedly and clinked his beer can against Piper’s. "At least you didn’t reject me for my looks."  
"Guys, I don’t think we need or want Piper discussing our outward appearance."  
They all laughed.  
They resumed playing poker, caught Digger, Mick and JJ cheating, drank some more beer and in the end fell asleep in the hideout. Right before Piper closed his eyes, he looked at the Rogues, sprawled over chairs, the table, the couch and a priceless Persian rug, and smiled. What he had said - in his half-drunken daze - was of course true, but the real reason why he’d never date any of them? They were his family, his brothers and sister, and he would never be able to think of them in another way.


End file.
